Open letter to creator of marketing logo

When you designed a sail logo to represent us to the world, did you not know that sailing is a sport in a death spiral? In the 1980s over 12 million Americans sailed. That number has sunk to 2 million. Was jousting not available?

Have you heard about the 1 percent? They sail, mostly on multimillion dollar yachts. The other 99 percent, not so much. Less than 1 percent of Americans sail. Is this a good slogan, “Rhode Island – Come watch rich people having fun”?

Did you know a typical family of four from New Jersey that you were inviting for their “nearcation” cannot afford a sailboat costing hundreds of thousands of dollars? Neither can most Rhode Islanders.

Did you know sailing is a difficult sport to master and that you can drown your entire family by being bad at it?

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Were you aware that most of our sailboats are locked away in exclusive yacht clubs and marinas posted with signs such as “Members Only,” “Private Dock” and “No Admittance.”

How inviting is that?

Did you know that there are very few places where you can even rent a sailboat in our state?

Why invite people to come on vacation to do something they probably cannot do?

Did anyone mention that our sailing season lasts about three months but we need a logo that works each day of the year? Did you know about the other tourism regions in Rhode Island deserving of promotion that your logo completely ignores?

Perhaps you were remembering the America’s Cup. It was the longest winning streak in organized sports history. Until we lost it. Thanks for reminding us. For three decades we have tried like some pathetic, jilted suitor to win it back.

Did you ever even come to Rhode Island? Did you know the money for your fee came from taxes on people who change beds and clean toilets for a living? Did you meet them? Don’t you owe them more than you or your interns gave to us?

That is the part that we find most hurtful and insulting. Had you taken the time to know us, you would have found greatness. We are historic, artistic, delicious and full of fun, wild places to visit. How did you miss that?

Were you not informed we struggle with an inferiority complex? Being embarrassed in front of the world was not on our wish list.

In online videos you proclaim your success comes from “attentiveness” and a mantra to “first do no harm.” Do you think you lived up to that?

Mr. Glaser, it turns out our relationship is not working. You just do not understand us. We have to break up with you. Since we are breaking off the engagement, we want the ring back. By that we mean, you owe us a full refund.

One last question. Has it occurred to you that you owe each and every one of us an apology?

Especially the people who change the beds and clean the bathrooms.

(With thanks to Pete Wells, New York Times restaurant critic, who wrote a masterpiece in this style of writing.) •

Robert I. Burke is co-owner of the Providence restaurant Pot au Feu.

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